“Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any of those is to lose all three" - Ziad Abdelnour

Betrayal by a friend, partner, family member is not something you can just laugh off, says Dr Jennifer Freyd, a psychology professor at the University of Oregon. “The very place where you should be able to get help and protection from the harms of life becomes the source of harm.” Dr Freyd coined the term “betrayal trauma” to describe the pain such treachery can cause. “We are a social species; when someone betrays us, it’s a real threat to our wellbeing.” She went on further to state that there are degrees of betrayal with most of us experiencing a friend gossiping uncharitably behind our backs.

Betrayal by a family member, parent, co-worker, spouse/partner, society and even strangers, regardless of what or how, the act is toxic to our well-being. People who are betrayed are likely to have physical and mental health challenges says Dr Freyd.

You are at your most vulnerable when you open up to someone be it a spouse/partner, friend, family, coworker or stranger. Opening up means sharing yourself with another person to form a deeper connection rather than keeping things surface level. You allow someone to know your true thoughts and feelings. Because you’ve given so much of yourself, there is an expectation of trust and loyalty. When that trust is broken or misused it essentially shatters your inner core and that is why betrayal hurts so much. It brings to the surface unresolved issues and wounds, feelings of self-worth and value and can even lead to PTSD and anxiety. Going through a betrayal can make you feel ashamed, angry, damaged and can lead to life altering decisions. Betrayal can lead to the end of a friendship, marriage, job or any relationship. The urge to protect oneself from further damage leads to withdrawal and isolation, fight or flight.

Betrayal doesn’t mean the end; the end of you or the relationship with the person who betrayed you. Your ability to trust and the relationship itself can be repaired especially if there is an invested interest to reconcile from both parties. This means making a concerted effort to communicate, taking responsibility for your actions, apologizing, reflecting on the experience, focusing on the future and creating new memories. It is also important to remember that people can be trusted as majority of people want to do good. However, repairing and rebuilding does not mean you should forget, sweep things under the rug or expect things to go back to the way it was and that is not necessarily a bad thing. You get the opportunity to create new memories and it allows you to ask for what you need and create boundaries that were non-existent but necessary in the first place. On the other hand, some relationships after a betrayal are irreparable and you will know what those are. It is ok to walk away if reconciling does more harm than good.

Most of us who have been betrayed wish for some type of justice or comeuppance to be meted out to those who broke the sacred bond of trust. We believe it is only fair that they suffer as much if not more than what we have suffered. There is the burning desire to see our betrayer punished so they can see the error of their ways and to feel the loss we have felt. However, we get no satisfaction from seeing our betrayers punished, in fact we usually end up feeling guilty, angrier and cold. It is best to forgive and move towards a path of peace or reconciliation not necessarily with the person but more so with yourself. “I couldn’t let it drive me mad,” says Monique. “I had to carry on doing my thing.” But I am more careful now; more cautious about who I let in, more cognizant about what I do with the trust I place in others.

If you take nothing from this article, remember this, “true resilience in the face of betrayal comes from our drive to continue trusting, connecting and being open regardless of the pain inflicted by those who once saw us at our most vulnerable” - Juleen Anderson.

Every experience and situation provide us with lessons for the future; apply those lessons and move on. Continue to show kindness even to the ones who've hurt you, not for their benefit or peace of mind but for yours.