Anyone who has lived through high school gym class knows the anxiety and shame associated with being the last pick for the netball, basketball or cricket team. Those feelings are amplified when you are excluded from lunch with co-workers, fail to land the job you interviewed for or dumped by a romantic partner. There is no sugar coating or dressing this up, rejection hurts. The fear, pain, shame and self-deprecation is soul crushing. It is easy to understand why people fear the “R’ word; the weight so powerful it can subdue even the strongest persons. We have all faced rejection at some point in our lives, for some many times than is necessary and others maybe once or twice. Regardless, the pre, during and post emotions carry the same weight and it never truly goes away. After each occurrence you are left feeling empty, isolated, and lonely.From a biological perspective, rejection activates the same regions in the brain that is responsible for physical pain. Simply put, rejection feels like stubbing your toe, getting stab, breaking a bone or falling off a bicycle with a longer and more tedious recovery journey. It's not a nice or welcomed experience and thus we try to avoid it as much as possible.

The hard truth

There is not a single soul in this solar system that enjoys being rejected, some persons take it to heart and others recover more quickly. Individuals who are more sensitive to rejection tend to be more fearful and careful and their day to day reflects that fear. These persons automatically expect to be rejected all the time and they spend a lot of time looking for signs, evidence to their preconceive plight. They avoid risks and opportunities and keep people at arm’s length because their fear of rejection has sown seeds of distrust and doubt. The cycle continues and the damage is palatable.

So, what can one do in the face of rejection? How does one cope? What seeds do I need to sow to cushion the fall if it does come?

No one is immune to rejection

Rejection is one of those necessary evils; painful but beneficial in the grand scheme of things. Acknowledge and accept that you will face rejection at some point in your life. That recognition will condition your mind to deal with the inevitable emotions.

Validate your feelings

No matter the source, time or place, rejection hurts. Never invalidate or let anyone belie your feelings just because they recover quicker or it wasn’t a big deal to them. Rejection is uncomfortable and your body’s natural response to being in that situation should not be trivialize or undermined. It is ok to feel embarrassed, humiliated, angry, sad, resigned and shamed. More importantly, it is pertinent that you acknowledge those feelings as that will help garner healthier reactions and responses.

Rejection can be a teaching moment – acknowledge and apply the lessons

It may not be obvious right away, but rejection may provide opportunities for self-discovery and growth. You applied for your dream job, the interview(s) went well and you felt confident you nailed it, however two weeks later you received an email indicating you were unsuccessful. Naturally this news is devastating, a blow to your confidence and dreams and the most obvious reaction is to give-up or de-value your skills and experience. The other side of a rather de-motivating situation would be to reach out to the company and asked the reasoning behind their decision, evaluate and adjust based on the guidance given, re-strategize your approach to job hunting, update and revamp your resume or assess your goals and find other suitable options or pathways. Anyone of these options can land you multiple job offers, better job offers, position and salary, an idea for a business or an epiphany where this dream role is not your true calling. Rejection gives you time to assess, re-evaluate, re-prioritize and grow.

Self-affirmation – I know my worth!

Rejection can be suffocating especially when you over analyze and replay every tidbit of information. How much it affects your self-esteem and worth depends on your perspective and approach. If you are analyzing the situation from the point of view where you deem it to be a teaching moment then your idea of self-worth will increase or be re-affirmed. You understand that these things happen but you don’t let the outcome decide your value. You know what you bring to the table and the circumstances therein. So, you had a few dates and the individual stops returning your phone calls and text messages? Your analysis of the situation shouldn’t be that “it's my fault, I wasn’t good looking enough, I am not worth it”. No, focus should be on the events that transpired, accepting the situation for what it is and moving on because you know your value deserves the best.

Acknowledge that you have fears

We all have fears even those diagnosed with emotional, personality and mental disorders. Fear of rejection is real and no one is immune to its power of emotional wreckage. By acknowledging your fear of being rejected your essentially weaving a safety net that will cushion the blow and help you apply a beneficial response and reaction.

Utilize your support network

Leaning on the people in your circle, those who embody confidence and positivity can help you assess your situation, offer words of affirmation, provide solutions and recommendations and reinforce your self-worth. However, the simple notion of just having supportive people is enough to ensure you recover from the experience.

Talk to a professional Rejection can have long-lasting effect, including preventing you from going after big opportunities at school or work. It’s possible to overcome these fears on your own, but professional support can be an added benefit. It may be time to consider reaching out to a therapist if your fear of rejection:

• leads to anxiety or panic attacks

• keeps you from things that you want to do

• causes distress in your daily life

The bottom line Rejection is a traumatic experience and should not be trivialized, but one should not allow the fear of rejection to prevent you from missing out on opportunities and valuable lessons. Look at rejection as another possibility, another door, a better option. Your approach to rejection can make or break you, the choice is yours. What road will you take? A bit of darkness then sunshine or self-inflicted gloom and blackness?