“The boundary to what we can expect is the boundary to our freedom” – Tara Brach 

It is imperative for all of us to set boundaries for every aspect of our lives and for everyone we interact with. Setting boundaries is important but setting healthy boundaries is the key to establishing respect, accountability and freedom. The standards that you set for your life will dictate how you interact, deal with and behave. It governs our assertiveness, how we speak and think, what we tolerate and our views of self-love and worth. Boundaries define us, showing us where we begin and where we end thereby leading to a sense of ownership and freedom. Setting healthy boundaries is one of those defining acts that separates successful people from unsuccessful people. It is not a matter of saying no to everything but more so saying no to almost everything that negatively impacts your life and threatens your inner peace and identity. When we fail to set boundaries we open the door for disrespect, irrelevant judgement and criticism, blame and cruelty. We are mistreated, used and abused with a lack of accountability on the part of the aggressor(s) and perpetrators(s). This impacts our self-worth and distorts the idea of self-love and confidence. When we fail to set healthy boundaries, we are essentially chaining ourselves to a post to be whipped consistently. We become victims.  

Who do we set boundaries for  

You set healthy boundaries for everyone including yourself. Different relationships may require different boundaries but the essence of it is the same, you are holding persons accountable for their actions as well as yours and teaching people how to treat you. 

Boundaries are needed for every relationship you have, every interaction and every situation. You should set healthy boundaries for your parents, children, romantic partners, friends and family, supervisors and managers, coworkers, strangers and anyone who you interact with or has power over how you feel and react. Setting healthy boundaries with these groups of people especially the ones closest to you (parents, children, family, friends) might make you feel guilty and selfish at first but it is crucial to do this to protect your mental wellbeing.  

However, boundaries are a two- way street so while you are setting your boundaries you need to be aware of and respect other people's boundaries that they have set for themselves. Their boundaries are as important as yours and as the saying goes “respect is earned not given”. So, while you are out there setting your healthy boundaries make sure you're not trampling on the boundaries set by others.  

Types of boundaries  

Boundaries can take many forms and can range from being rigid to strict to almost non-existent. It is also dependent on the who and what, for example we may have stricter boundaries for the workplace and looser boundaries for our friends and families. Boundaries may even be based on culture and that’s why communication is key.  

Physical – This refers to your personal space, your privacy and your body. It sets the tone for what you are comfortable with and willing to tolerate.  

Sexual – This focuses on intimacy and our expectations regarding the act itself, the comments, the touches and the encounters in general. What are your concerns, likes and dislikes, what makes you uncomfortable versus comfortable. All of these things need to be communicated to those involved.  

Intellectual – This focuses on your thoughts, beliefs and opinions. You set boundaries on what you are willing to accept, the ideas and opinions you are willing to share and the rigidity of your core beliefs and values.  

Emotional – This refers to feelings and how you interact with others, what you share, with whom you share and how you share. It is very important to set boundaries when it comes on to feelings so you are comfortable with what you give and receive. This is also dictated by the relationship you have with the person and your comfort level.  

Financial – This one is all about money and how you interact with the dollar sign. You can set boundaries with how you spend and save and what you spend on and save towards. This is a boundary you set for yourself and others and will set the tone for your financial welfare

Ways to set and maintain good boundaries  

It is easy to set boundaries but hard to maintain and preserve those boundaries. It is important to preserve the boundaries you set to maintain healthy relationships and to establish new ones. When you understand how to set and maintain boundaries, you can avoid feelings of resentment and anger when your limits are challenged.  

Start small: The prospect of introducing boundaries especially for those who have little to none in the first place can be daunting and may backfire if you set too many all at once. You may find yourself overwhelmed and unable to keep up with too many boundaries in the beginning. The key is to start small not only in quantity but quality as well. Introduce boundaries at a pace you are comfortable with. This provides time to reflect on whether your boundaries are heading in the right direction. 

Engage in self-reflection: To successfully introduce and maintain healthy boundaries, you need to understand why they are important to you and how they will help your well-being. Take some time and analyze your own behavioral patterns, emotions and reactions. Be your own therapist.  

Set them early: Don’t wait to set boundaries when things go wrong or in the middle of a relationship. Setting boundaries from the beginning will set expectations on how you should be treated and thus everyone will know where you stand.  

Be consistent: Consistency is key to maintaining healthy boundaries.  Being inconsistent can lead to confusion and encourage new expectations from those around you. Keep things steady which reinforces your strong beliefs, norms and values.  

Communicate: Those around you cannot read your mind so boundaries need to be communicated to the persons you interact with. You can have discussions about the boundaries you have established and further conversations should you amend or they cross your boundaries.

Self-love: This is most important step. If you want to maintain the boundaries you set, you need to have a strong foundation of self-love. You are your biggest champion and only you are capable of changing your mindset into a positive repository of confidence, self-worth and acceptance. If you think you are worthless then it will be difficult to set healthy boundaries. 

Healthy boundaries are essential; an essential form of self-care and self-love so don’t feel guilty about taking care of yourself.